Realizing That There Is More To Life

This trip has been like a really long vision trip for me... Im still amazed everyday at the amount that I have grown and the things that I have learned here... Things that I didn´t even know about myself. Things I have realized about my past and things that I am starting to realize about my future.

I´m not really sure if its because I cant handle it or if its because of something else but I feel like God has always given me vision for my future a piece at a time. When I graduated high school... He told me to do the CMC internship... When I got done with that... He told me to go back to cooking school... When I quite (jaja... it was justified) I had no idea what to do... so He got me a job in construction... all of these things were vital in getting me to where I am now. Even the construction job... this holds great value in my future and paved a way for me to get here to Mexico!! I didnt always realize that I was being led by God... but I sure was... For example... I did the internship with CMC because I was going to be homeless and they provided host homes... funny thing was that they didnt for six months and that was the time where I got to live with my brother Nick that I wrote about in a different blog... I dont always know it at the time but He is always ALWAYS there... however... there has been something missing in all of it... I was always without a long term goal... something to work towards in the long run... and so I suffered in a lot of areas in my life...

I found that I was constantly without motivation for my life. I wasn´t necessarily always sad. I enjoyed life for the most part... but deep down inside of me something was missing... I felt that a large part of me was dormant... and I couldnt figure out what or why. I had a good job, that provided for me very well... I was in a great church full of people I loved... I have the best family (its absolutely perfectly my perfect family) but I was not content with any of it... It just wasnt enough... I knew that I was meant for more but had no idea what! The lame thing is that because I didnt know exactly what I wanted to do with my life... I was just doing nothing. I would tell myself, "Well I dont know what I want to do,... so why waste time going towards something if its not what im really meant for!?!" I really believe now that that was a big fat lie that i was chewing on for years! I realized during this trip... that even though I dont know what I want to be doing... or what exactly God has called me to do... He defiantly didnt call me to do nothing! I need to start moving in a direction so that God can guide me... He cant tell me where to go if i refuse to move!!!

Because I lacked a serious sense of purpose and vision for my life... I was constantly battling with myself and with my everyday life. I hated working just for the sake of making money... I found no joy in working in a job that I felt had no greater purpose in my life... (im talking about my construction job) and i now find that I couldnt have been more wrong about that!

Another area that I suffered in was just going through life...(sounds stupid when I say it like that) but if you really know me (like my family) you know that I was often really full of joy... the joke maker... I always love being the family tard... but there was always some deep sadness or dissatisfaction with my life... and I think that it could be seen in my attitude. Something that really plagued me was the fact that the only dream that I had for myself was to get married. God gave me a really big heart for family... and I knew that it was something that I really wanted (and still do) but it consumed my every thought. I couldnt go sit and read in starbucks without wondering if I was going to meet my wife that day... if I went to Target... I would wonder "Which one is my potential wife"... I wasnt stupid and naive about it (maybe a tiny bit) I wasnt just going to marry the first semi-decent girl I came across but none the less I was consumed by the thought of marriage... and every night when I went home un-engaged I was filled with despair... I took soooo much focus away from the real dreams (or the other dreams) that God has for me. Although... I know that this is still a large part of what I want in my future... It is no longer my sole aim in life... and for the first time in my life... I can honestly say that I am willing to wait for God´s timing... ESPECIALLY if it is going to interfere in the dreams and visions that He created me for...

I am convinced that God created us all with some sense of what He wanted us to accomplish... A unique purpose and vision for all of us. Something that we dont figure out from the world... but by searching within ourselves... looking past the lies the world tells us... the doubts in our own minds... fear... laziness... and the multiple other things that stop us... looking deeper than that and discovering the vision that God delivered to our hearts when the Holy Spirit came to us!!! Its already there, inside of us just waiting to be released... We just need to get past all the things that are stopping us from accomplishing it... From believing in it

"For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

"The Lord Almighty has sworn, `Surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand.´" Isaiah 14:24

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb,I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; ... My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."Psalms 139: 13-16

This and countless other scriptures tells me that God probably has some idea (if not a very clear one) of what He hoped and wanted us to accomplish here on earth. And I find hope in that fact. We are created with a purpose... and God has paved the way for us to accomplish it. He doesnt give us more than we can handle. What He designed us to accomplish, He gave us everything we need to see it through... every gift that is necessary to accomplish it. And He doesnt want to see those gifts wasted... He invested those gifts in us to be put to use and He expects that we will.

"God´s gifts and His call are irrevocable." Romans 11:29

Its time to stop making the excuses that we are soooo used to falling back on... Excuses like "When my life gets less complicated," "Or when im more confident in what I want to do," or "After I pray about it more," or "I have to many responsibilities to go after that." Let them go and have faith in the God that created you.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20

God´s power is at work in us... "His vision and His spirit are at work within us, and that is more than enough potential for our needs." It is important to seek balance in our lives... But what a waste if that is our sole aim. I read in a book recently..." True balance is the maintenance of equilibrium while moving toward a destination. A good example of this truth is the way a ship functions on the ocean. A ship always needs to maintain balance. Wouldn't it be a waste of precious time and fuel, however, for a boat to expend all its energy just trying to balance on the water so that it didn't tip over? ...A ship keeps its balance as it makes its way to a specific port. Likewise, we need to have a destination while we're maintaining balance in our lives."

I feel more hope and joy in my return that I would have thought possible. And this is only because I am beginning to realize the vision God has for my life. And know matter how long it takes or how hard it is (and I'm sure it will be) I find excitement in knowing that Im working towards it!!!! Each step I take now... Is just a step to bigger and better things... and I know that even along the way... God is going to be using me to touch peoples lives.

Yes God IS Alive

MMM.... well this is a touchy subject and to be honest I dont really feel comfortable talking about it... but God has been talking to me about and so I feel like I need to...

Everyday I learn more and more that God is alive, that Jesus is alive... and that not only is He alive, but He is alive and working in me... my family... my church... Mexico... and all over the world... He has plans in motion and people moving... and everyday I am sooo thankful for that... God is alive and movin..!!!

But sometimes I think that we forget (because its not that pleasant to think about) that God is not the only one alive and working. There is an enemy that is constantly moving and planing and trying to stop the plans of God... I think that sometimes we just unconsciencely imagine Satin just sitting in hell waiting for the end of the world... What a lie... he is fighting for souls just like God... I cant pretend to imagine why God has allowed Satin to keep the authority and power that he has but...

What I do know that God´s power is infinintly greater... and becuase He lives in us we have a certain degree of power and authority also... and its more than all of the servents of the devil put together... And we need to be in unity... fighting and praying together... and working against the enemy... depending on God for wisdom and discernment... and depending on eachother for encouragement and growing together... I believe that a revival is possible in our families and in our church... but there is one word that I feel has been lacking in a lot of areas lately (meaning months and years) and that is UNITY... UNITED... working together...not just in the church but outside... in our businesses... in our families... in our communities... in our schools... praying together... not just like at dinner but for hours everyweek... children wanting to spend time in prayer with parents... parents with children.... brothers and sisters... praying and seeking wisdom together... the youth going out and serving in the communities... and just a whole lot of sharing love!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that this is one of the biggest (if not the biggest one) way to show God to people... In a world so full of hate and fear and sadness (as seen in the young man in Virginia Tech)... I believe that just even a little love can make a difference... Cnn said that the roomates of the man told them that he had on several occasions talked about killing himself... "I might as well just kill myself" I wonder what kind of difference it would have made in his life if those roomates had gone to him and hugged him and expressed their love for him and that their love stems from a love that is even more powerful and more pure and more unconditional... The love of Jesus Christ.... who knows... maybe he would have rejected everything that they told him and the event would have taken place anyway... but I sure think its what God wants from us and that it is worth the chance!

Hate is soooo small next to love... real love... And this is the weapon that im gonna choose to fight the enemy...and dont get me wrong... I know that its not always easy... its work for us to love everyone all the time... but what work is more important and rewarding... its gonna be hard though... we are going to have to surrender fear, embarrasment, selfishness and a long list of other stuff... It might seem a little naive... or ignorant... but trust me... IT JUST "SEEMS" THAT WAY....its not ignorance... its enlightenment... Thank you Jesus for your love....

Just Kinda a Funny Story

Be patient... I swear that this blog has to do with God...

So... when I was an intern at CMC... for the first six months I lived with my big brother Nick... It was a little pile of a house in Keyport... well it was tiny and sorta made me think of a cottage... haha... dont really know why... the house was empty.. only my brothers bed and and endtable that the tv was on...er maybe it was on the stereo... anyway... i slept on the living room floor... but his room was just off of the living room so even when we were in our "beds"we were still able to talk and stuff... we would watch tv together (mostly Moulin Rouge)... and sometimes he would come home at like 1 in the morning with jack in the box and we would eat.. and because we just ate jack in the box we felt we couldnt go right back to sleep so we would watch more Moulin Rouge... and we went almost everywhere together... i loved riding in his car with him... and sitting in the house doing nothing with him... starving with him (all we had in the fridge ever was tabasco and soy nuts) freezing with him (it was winter and the house had no heat or insulation) i would follow him all around the house just cuz i didnt like to be away from him... even when he was in the bathroom (not using it ok... brushin his teeth er somethin) i would stand in the door and keep talking to him... i love him soo much (and of coarse still do)... i never wanted to be a way from him

All that to say... God brought this to my mind last night... I was having a day yesterday (dont really know how to explain what kinda day... just a day) so i asked the pastor if i could go to the church to pray and have some alone time with God instead of going to the Rehabilitation Center... he said yes... so i went... well i was there from 3 pm to 9:30 pm... thats like 6 hours... and i prayed and worshiped and read my bible for the whole time... before this trip that wasnt something i could easily have done (probably impossible) but the funny thing was that even after six hours of it i didnt really want to leave... well during that six hours God brought me the memory of living with my brother Nick... and He said to me....

This is what Im like with you!!!!! That He wants to be around me all the time... Not only does He love me (and this goes for you too) but He likes me sooo much that He follows me around all day... just like a little brother with his big brother... If i go here.. He wants to come... If i go there... He wants to go... But the really amazing part is... He isnt just hanging out along side of me... The Spirit of God... the one who created you and me and the stars and oceans and pandas... That same God (well really the only one there is) His Spirit lives... right inside of me... INSIDE OF ME... and if your a christian... INSIDE OF YOU TOO!!!... just stop and think about that for a second...mmm...pretty crazy if you ask me... this is a common knowledge among chritians but i think that sometimes we forget its implications... His love, patience, joy, peace, wisdom, discernment, guidence (this list goes on)... these arent things that we have to go looking for somewhere else... this things are alive in us!!!!!! They came to us with His Holy Spirit... they are all there.. waiting for use to use and take advantage of... and to share with other people... And i really think we forget the impications of the authority that comes with it as well... Really the authority to do amazing things in his name... but thats a whole different topic!!!!!!! Just remember... God wants to hang out with you today!

LOVE

Well, thats a BIG subject to write about... but its what this trip has really been about for me. Day after day after day after day I learn more about God´s love and what it means in my life. If you know me... you know that I cry... and well im not usually really ashamed of it... but in the recent weeks I sure do cry more...But its not out of sadness or loneliness like in the beginning of the trip... Its simply when I think about God... or my family... or even silly things like... When I think about things that I love and know love me in return. People that I wouldnt even have hardly considered friends... I now feel so much love for... For people I dont even know... my heart cries for...When I think about the youth in the Kitsap Peninsula and how lost sooo many of them are... And how much I wish that I could show them the love that I have discovered... Just let see a little bit of what is in my mind and heart...

Something that God recently showed me...(and I knew long ago, but never really let this all sink in) is that my love is a reflection of His. When I think about this I can hardly contain myself. It brings me to tears so easy. To know that I am able to love my family sooo passionately and my friends and people who are lost... is all because God loves me sooooo much. The more that I let Him love me, the more I in turn am able to love others. The more I let Him love me the more I am able to love Him... Every time I think about how much I love my sister Pam... or my brother Samuel or any of my others... every time... I think about the fact that love did not originate inside of me but it comes from God my Father... His love is so special and real. While it IS some cosmic thing that we cant understand,... His love is also something very intimate and personal and real. The closer I get to Him the more I realize that His love really is like that of a Father. The ultimate Father.

Now sometimes when im missin home I just sit down and think about my family. One time when I was sitting in the Center of Rehabilitation that we go to every week... I was day dreaming about what it was gonna be like in the airport when I arrive back in Seattle. I was thinking that I was going to cry the moment I saw one of my family... lots of smiling and hugging and kissing... and lots and lots of crying... All because of this amazing love that God has blessed me with for them. And how happy I was going to be to be reunited with them. God suddenly stopped me in my thoughts and made me think about the story of the Prodigal Son... this story came alive to me in that moment... How the father in the story was sooo happy to have his son back, not caring about anything in the past or anything else, only that his son was back... God showed me... He really is that Father... When we slip into religious routine.... or into sin... or just out of intimacy with Him... that is how He feels upon our return to Him.... not holding our wrongs against us.. but running to us... He showed me that the love and joy that I will feel when I see my family and am back with them is only a hint of what His love is like for us... for me.. for my brothers and sisters... I cant imagine the depths of His love....

It fills me with compassion and praise for everyone that is around me. For members of my family who have a challenging time walking with God because of things that have happened in their past... the way people or other family members (including myself) have treated them....how some of my brothers or sisters have anger issues because of the way their father treated them... or how they have been blinded from God´s love bye things that have made them unhappy perverted their idea of what love really is... But God has given them to me... to ME... and me to them... And all I have to do is keep praying for them.... and as I allow God to love me and in turn love Him... that love is going to spill out to my family and to my friends and even to strangers... God has given me visions... of people who are close to me being reunited to Him... visions of Him using ME (in spite of all my faults) to bring people that I love and cherish back to Him... or even to Him for the first time... Visions of what my family would look like if we were completely united under His beautiful and powerful name... I have seen it and I know that its coming... God has giving me so much purpose and vision for my life the last three weeks... Something that I have never had before... AND I'M EXCITED

MMM... The Other Tangible

Well this would be the construction of the classrooms for the children. What was only one day a week in the past has become my everyday work. But its odd how little I mind the work.

We work from 9 to 12 noon. The first week of this was all digging. This is challenging because the earth is really really REALLY hard here. We dug 10 holes about 2 foot by 2 foot by 3 feet deep. And this is Mexico... its been in the upper 80 to low 90s... thats pretty warm... We then dug 1 foot by 1 foot by 10 foot long trenches between all of the wholes.

Today we started the pouring of the concrete. As a construction worker at home I was once again reminded of how different construction is here... having to hand mix all of the gravel, sand, cement and water was a big difference. Not to mention the water came from a house three blocks away (about 1 and a half football fields- 450 yrds) And we got to carry two five gallon buckets of water from the house to the construction site... each bucket weighing about 40 lbs each... I think that its safe to say that upon my return im going to be able to enter the world strongest man competitions...

All in all I dont mind the work. Which is odd because when I had to do this type of manual labor in my construction job at home... i was always really grumpy about it... and I got paid then. I think thats what the difference is though. I was doing it for money back then (something that was nice to have but didnt really care all that much about) and now I know that im doing solely for God and for the children here... and that fills with immeasurably more satisfaction. I was reminded today of how much less the children here have and how some things like a classroom can make such a difference in their lives. I was filling up my buckets of water at the house when a long came this little girl, maybe 1 and a half, she was completely alone. She didnt have any shoes and her close where so worn and dirty that I was immediately filled with compassion and fear for here. In her hands were three bottles... and it looked liked she wanted me to fill them with the water... so I filled one with water and gave it back to her... I didnt think about it before but she was thirsty... So she tried to drink the water... It broke my heart, but I couldnt let her because the water outside is to dirty to drink. And there was no other water for me to give her. She played with me for a minute and then left by herself again... Seeing that made me want to work so much harder and faster. If all I can do for them right now is help build some classrooms,... then im going to do it till I pass out from exhaustion.

The Tangible

Well... as I have said in the past, its been hard for me to see physical fruit of my work here (for the most part)... so Im going to start of with a blog concerning what little I can see.

For about a month or a month and a half we have (the church youth) had the idea to put on a graffiti competition for the youth here in Mazatlan. Something to attract them and possibly show them a little of what we are all about. We got the idea for this outreach from the YWAM base during the week of Carnaval. They had one and we saw how extremely well it went. Tons of youth showed up and this opened the door for a whole lot of ministry. Seeing this we took the idea and ran with it.

For the next two week or so there was really only a lot of brainstorming and idea throwing. However, the following week Toni, David and me began to put the thoughts into action. Pablo, an "employee" of the church, who is very good at computer design (oddly enough), came up with a design for some posters and and fliers. With the help of one of the church members we were able to print off thousands of each of them. Also Pablo came up with a design for some outreach tshirts.

We collectively come up with the money for the tshirts and purchased one for everyone. Although what the shirts said was a little clicheish in english... I think that it worked here. They read "By faith alone I was saved," as much as the statement may be a cliche... Its Truth. They had it printed in english so that when the Spanish speaking youth saw it they would be enticed to ask about it. (im not sure if this tactic worked, but I thought it was a good idea).

For two weeks we (the youth) walked through the streets passing out the fliers to ever person we saw. Taping posters to telephone poles and store walls and doors. Going house to house through countless neighborhoods giving each and every house a flier. Going from business to business asking for gift donations for the winner of the competition. Asking for spray paint donations, going to the city hall to get permission to hold the event, and countless other things. We did this for something like 4 hours in the morning and 4 more in the evening (sometimes...). Through the grace of God we were able to come up with more than enough spray paint and canvas for the competition... we got the prize for the THREE winners... and we passed out all of the fliers and posters with out dying from physical exhaustion!!!!!

The day of the competition was another one of the days for me where I was just amazed at the youth here. We showed up at 9 in the morning to clean. We spent hours picking up garbage (and there is a lot, no liter laws here)... sweeping the dirt to get all the garbage out of the park. Cutting brush away from paths, picking vines out of the fences and getting everything as nice as possible. The 30 canvas we hung up on this very large fence.

The event started with christian and non christian rap blaring out of the rented sound system attracting all sorts of youth. Im not sure of the number but I would say about 200-350 people came and went throughout the night. The competitors ranged from harmless 12 year olds to seasoned gangsters. It was incredible to see the artistic abilities that these kids on the street had. Some of them were actually really impressive. I wish I had pictures to show, but unfortunately my camera broke a few weeks ago. There was a small rap show where some of the youth were able to get on the mic and rap for a bit. This brought all the youth around and close together. Then one of the youth from the church who used to be involved with the gangs here gave his testimony and their was an "alter call." Unfortunately the church didnt do any follow up stuff for those who accepted Christ, so I don't even have any idea how many if any did. But I feel sure that what we did reached some of them... and I leave it in God´s hands to do the rest.

Being involved in this did a number of things for me. Some are impossible to explain but here's what I can... It broke down fear that I have had to approach people. I was able to go house to house and store to store, in a country where I don't even speak the language well, and give out fliers and say what little I could in Spanish. I gave me a heart for outreaches. And through this God provided me with vision.... This is the biggest thing for me, Vision, and so you'll have to wait to here about it in a different blog.

My FoFamily (this is a really lame blog)

Im not going to write much on this subject mostly because I dont really feel like it is very interesting ( but to answer questions I have received) This might just be the hardest part of the trip as of yet... living under the roof and laws of a new family... As a 22 year old (almost 23) and having to constantly deal with house rules and the dictatorship of an 18 and 16 year old is very challenging indeed...

I live with the pastor, his wife and their three children... Isidro, Rebehka (spelling mas o menos), Sayde (daughter 20), Gerson (son18), and Eder (son 16)... They are a pretty close family and can be a lot of fun... I really respect Isidro a lot and am constantly wishing that I could communicate with him better,...I know that there is so much wisdom that I could feed off and maybe some that I could feed him. The wife is extremely kind and always makes sure that I have everything that I need.

WELL I WROTE A LARGE COUPLE OF PARAGRAPHS ABOUT MY HOST brothers and sisters but I felt like I was complaining too much... Just pray that God gives me supernatural patience and that... ya just pray... Jajaja

JUST PUSH...(JAJA...THANKS LARRY)

Everyday I am confronted by the fact that God is needed here in Mazatlan...and in ways that fill me with compassion for its people. They are so hungry for truth, love and Jesus. But there seems to be sooo much confusion, and ignorance and acceptance of lies and deceits and the twisting of God´s Word. Confusion and ignorance in the are of spiritual warfare...With in the very church that I am working... I have seen the abuse of the authority given by God to belittle the youth and impose guilt on them for sinless acts. This fills me with such frustration. Especially because I can´t speak up for myself or others who are powerless to do so for themselves solely because of the language barrier and lack of relationship between me and the church members. I am constantly asking God, "Why did you send me here?? I'm making no progress...no change... are my efforts in vain?? Am I working my self physically and spiritually for the sake of nothing??" I came here because God put a vision in my heart...and I assumed that it was to make changes...and feeling like those changes aren't happening has filled me with a false sense of failure...And has made me question daily...what my purpose here really is...

Almost daily I receive emails from a devoted friend in my church named Larry... Because of my limited Internet time, I put them all in a folder and read a few when I can... yesterday I read this one, it is almost a month old, but I think God was having me save it on purpose...

"A man was sleeping one night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light,and God appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to Push against the rock with all his might... So, this the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sunup to sundown,his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might!
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, Feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Since the man was showing discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)! You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't moved." Thus, he gave the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
That's what the weary man planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of Prayer and to take his troubled thoughts to The Lord. "Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time,I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter.What is wrong? Why am I failing?" The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all of your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed.
But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back shiny and brown; your hands are callused from constant pressure, your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much,and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be Obedient and to push and to exercise your Faith and trust in My Wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the rock."

God showed me that I am the man in the story... Maybe I'm not here to change Mazatlan right now...maybe its here to change me!!!! Perhaps my being here is enough...and that when God is ready, HE will push this rock. What I do know is this... when I return to Washington... I will not be the same... I am not the same... Through all my labors and struggles God has strengthened me and has toned me... He is preparing me to do something that I have not seen yet... But at the very thought of this I can hardly contain myself!!!! Something big awaits me... all I can keep doing is JUST PUSH!!!!

CARNAVAL

Well...this is basically the big spring break thing in Mazatlan. It last about a week and thousands of people come for it. My church (Torre Fuerte) linked up with the YWAM base here for the week and we worked together doing various ministries...

The first night of Carnaval, me and a small group of Mexicans went into Carnaval because I wanted to get a sense of what it was like and to see for myself what was the big deal... After we paid to get in, they separated all the men into one line and all the women into another...slowly we began to pass through the entrance. They let about 15 men go through...and I was about to walk away when they stopped us and 15 men with machine guns and body armor ( that were apparently hiding in the shadows because I hadnt noticed them) put all of us to a wall and then frisked us. Now this wouldnt have been that big of a deal...except... I was separated from my Mexicans and didnt know what the heck was going on... Mexican law keepers seem to be a little more frightening to me???? Well, when I was done getting molested I regrouped with my friend and we started walking deeper into Carnaval. It didnt take me very long to see and feel why so many people were concerned with what happens there...We walked along in silence (mostly because I didnt feel like I could talk) I was horrified with how many people were running around the street drunk...and all kinds other things that I wont list. I felt such a strong sense of the enemies presence in there that It took all the joy out of me...I wish that I could put into words all the things that ran through my head that night...but it is impossible. I made me realize, though, that there are a lot of the things that the Devil has control of and that if we dont challenge him...he isnt going to be challenged. That is why there was almost a hundred people from my church and YWAM and other places committed to ministry that week...we wanted to challenge him...and we had all the authority, given by Jesus, to do so...

One of the ministries was going into Carnaval every night and ministering to people that were actually in there...however...I didnt think that my heart was strong enough for that so I stayed a few blocks from the entrance where multiply other ministries were taking place... There was a worship service...An intercession and prayer group... Two coffee bars hounded with Christians... a graffiti contest and others I cant remember. For the most part I handed out tracts (I dont like to call them...but I dont know what else to call them) and invited them to the coffee places... I honestly had a really hard time that week.

One of the nights the YWAM base came to our church to pray for Carnaval. This was when my week started to become more difficult. I prayed that night that God would break my heart for the people in Carnaval...To give me as much as I could handle...To let me feel a piece of what He feels for them. Well,...He answered my prayer and I think that He answered it completely...and He literally gave me as much sorrow and compassion as I could handle. It felt a little like depression,...It was a sadness that I felt I couldnt bare. I felt like I wanted to run in there and start screaming at the top of my lungs at all the people...and tell them about the amazing God that I have come to know...and about His love...but instead all I was doing was handing out paper and saying a few words (cafe...es gratis...pasale por favor) Although I wanted to do more...I was mortified...And this created a huge battle between my body and my soul. My soul wanted to do everything I possible could...but my body was so gripped with fear that I didnt do anything. This filled me with anger and sadness,...I felt like I was failing God and giving into fear. I came here to be used and because of fear...I felt like I wasnt being used at all....

I prayed soo hard that week. And for the first time I felt like God was telling me to fast. It was only a day (because it was in the heart of my sickness...ya know the riha) But I felt like I heard God so clear that day...And He took that guilt away from me and He told me that it was ok...To get up and try again...this wouldn't be my last opportunity to face that fear...

I read in a book recently this statement...and even though it is relatively simple...it spoke very loudly to me... "God knows what to do with those who have confirmed their rebellion. But He is merciful to those of His children who fall frequently while learning to walk." - I GIVE YOU AUTHORITY.... When we fall...or slip away from intimacy...or give into fear, He isnt sitting up in heaven pissed off...Hes looking at us with compassion, with His hands out saying..."Come on, get back up...I know you can do it..." and this fills me with hope and gives me just a little be clearer idea of what His love is like...

I LOST THREE WEEKS!!!

So basically...Keeping up on here has been close to impossible. So much has happened here in the last three weeks that it would take at least 8 hours to write it all. What I'm going to attempt to do is give a brief synopsis of the three weeks and then go back and elaborate on certain areas...( as a side point, I don´t really know why my manner of speaking is so different when I write compared to when i really am speaking...I think I sound smarter when I'm writing, jaja)...anyway...

Well,...its hard to decide where to start...but here it goes.

It was extremely hard to adapt to the language barrier. My Spanish is really really lame...well it was really lame. Its improved a whole lot. Although I'm finding that I have reached a hard point because the Mexicans all know what I know and what I don't... so they only say words that they know I know...which makes it hard to learn, because...i already know!!!! However, I am far less stressed about spanish as I once was upon my arrival,...thank God!!!

My ministry activities are mostly the same, however, there has been a few changes...

Tuesdays: I arrive at the church at around 8 in the morning and work there until around one or two... Just doing maintenance type stuff (painting, sweeping...). And then in the evening we usually just do whatever comes up...

Wednesdays: In the morning it is the same thing as on monday mornings... then in the afternoon, instead of going to the prison (It was too hard to get the credentials) I know go to a rehabilitation center. They hold a small church service there and we go for two hours and minister to the men... this times has actually been really big for me... ill write more on it later... In the evening the church holds a two hour service, for the purpose of prayer only... The people are so dedicated to seeing their city be changed for God.

Thursdays: These mornings are the most important to me... I arrive at the church at around 8 again and spend the entire morning...until one or two...just praying and worshipping God...reading my Bible and books about God... By practicing this it has become a daily thing for me...not to feel like I have to... But really finally having a passion to read my Bible and spend as much time with God as possible... In the evening we go to a town called Villa Union... where a church is being planted... Its very small right now,... but there is some very committed people who serve there. I gave the sermon there last night... and unfortunately it didn't go as well as I would have liked... I know have a new respect for pastors....

Fridays: I meet at a place called Valles del Ejido... basically a giant dirt field... where three of us our digging the forms for what will one day be classrooms for children. This sometimes is my favorite form of ministry...because it is the only ministry that you can really measure the results... sometimes i dont really feel like im really being used by God here...and so its nice to see the fruit of my labors in a tangible way every once in awhile... We get done at 1 or 2 (unless the two people i work with are feeling lazy...which is often unfortunately). Most friday evenings are free for me to do what I like..

Saturdays: I meet in Valles del Ejido again for the childrens ministry...Right now we meet under some really sad tarps that are torn to bits... I pray that the classrooms will begin to go up faster... I really am beginning to love this time, now that a large number of the children have warmed up to me... We teach Bible stories and feed them and children from all over the area walk far just to be there... Its such a humbling time,...to see all the children and mothers who are in such great need. The houses in the area a far from comfortable by our standards...some constructed of sheet metal and other trash...some only partially built...with dirt roads... Its a very special time for me... In the evening is the Youth Group...which like all the church services is extremely boring for me (due to the fact that i cant understand anything)...

Sundays: Is of coarse church...which can last from one and a half hours to three...its very hard for me to sit through because I cant understand the worship or the sermon (and no one translates for me)...although because of this it has made me greatly grow in my relationship with God...I have no church to feed off of...no community worship...no leaders to feed me... I have come to depend almost entirely off of myself...This was a new concept for me...and a challenge!!! To make sure that I was spending time to learn about God entirely on my own...in a way I had never had to do before...And finding the times where I would only have my Zune (thank you Luke) to worship with. I cant say that I dont miss worshiping with other people in my own language. I can now say, however, that I have a much deeper relationship with God than I ever thought possible. Ive come to greatly desire and thrive off my time with God. And if I miss a morning with Him,...all I can think about all day is, "when am I going to get some alone time with God!!!" Its precious.

Sunday evenings and all of monday are free for me. We usually see a movie every sunday night...which is fun...except when they are in spanish with no english subtitles.... (but its a great way to watch a movie if you want to depend entirely on your imagination...and its very unpredictable this way)...

This is the basic overview of my week... but every week (without exception) has a little curve ball in it...some more than others...

Adapting To My New Environment

Well, the first week has been a rollercoaster, I must say. The first couple of days were incredibly hard. I quickly learned that I don´t know nearly as much Spanish as I thought I did, a very hard truth to learn indeed.

Luckily I was picked up in the airport (after my 12 hours of travel) by one of the only english speaking people in the church...an 18 year old named Gerson (Jason in english). I remembered him from the last trip, so I couldn't complain there. We made our way from the airport to what was to be my temporary home... When we got there I was greeted by four other muchachos that I knew from before. Although it was good to see them, this was a rude awakening to my lack of spanish...I was immediately bombarded with conversation that I couldn't understand. Being that I'm usually shy around people I don't know at home,...you can only imagine how stupid I felt in the presence of 6 non-english speaking people that I hardly knew...It was defiantly stretching from the get go....Not to mention that the four people that I am staying with do not speak english either!!!!

The house itself is actually pretty nice... and in Mexican standards, very nice. So there I am blessed. I am also blessed that I have my own room, something that I am extremely grateful for (Im one who needs my space sometimes). My host mom is very outgoing and excitable, and due to the fact that she is a teacher, she is very eager to help me learn spanish...although its a challenge because she doesn't really know any english... The father is kind, however a little introverted and awkward. The daughter (14) is shy but very friendly, and luckily speaks a lil english (although she adamantly refuses to use it). The son (20) well,...hes nice but...a bit on the strange side so far...I'm not really sure how to interact with him...avoidance is my main choice concerning him...

My ministry duties have been bye far the most stretching so far,...to the point where I wanted to rip my face off sometimes. I tag along with two guys who speak no english (and I mean NO english). We go from house to house of different youths across Mazatlan and just visit and talk (I don't really do any of the talking yet). They encourage the jóvenes (youth) to continue to come to church and they just take the time to build relationships. Its actually really incredible. And although I don´t do a ton of talking during these time, I did get to pray over two guys on one of the days...this was a bit stretching, mostly due to the fact that someone was translating me to them (awkward) but I praise God for that moment anyway. I also am helping construct classrooms for children, and a few time a week I get to play with them. Soon I will be making weekly trips to the prison here in Mazatlan, a thought that scares me badly... All in all im excited for my work, and think my excitement will only grow as I continue to grow and learn spanish.

Im fed really well. Breakfast is made for me every morning, and its not just bacon and eggs...no, no, no...today Nachos, or tamales, or some other stuff that I dont know what it was, but it was good inside a tortilla. I have lunch at a different house everyday, and it is always delicious. I cant believe the generosity of the people here. They are so willing to give...I absolutely love it. The relationships are all so personal,...we pull up to a house where I know no one, and with a kiss on the cheek I am welcomed and fed...

Already I am learning and growing in extreme ways,...and it really hurts sometimes but none the less I am grateful.

The Calm Before the Storm...ya right

So I was to be in San Diego for almost an entire week before I went to Mazatlan for my three month mission. In my mind I saw that week as a sort of a lil vacation, to rest up before my trip. Little did I know it was going to be one of the hardest weeks I have yet to face.

I was staying with my cousin Nina, her husband Roger and their two kids. This was a bit awkward because I had never met them before. This was also awesome because they had offered to take me into Mexico (Ensenada) to visit my host family from my previous trip (they moved from Mazatlan) for the weekend. This was a clear blessing from God.

Well, I arrived in San Diego on a Tuesday and wasn't to go to Ensenada till Saturday....Now because of their two kids and work, they didnt really do anything fun (or what I would call fun...like leave the house for days at a time). This gave me an awful lot of time to miss my family and friends and to think..."WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!" And just to top it off, it was raining for the first three or four days...hard core. I got a little depressed and stressed. I was bored and lonely and really just wanted to go home. However, I couldnt blame them...they have responsibilities and I can understand that.

It wasn't all bad either. I am a big fan of children and they have two very fun and cute ones. They younger one (one year old) was extremely cute!!! And I quickly fell in love with them...And they were very giving to me, letting me take one of their cars out on the town one of the nights (for example). And apparently i look an awful lot like Justin Timberlake (according to my aunt and cousins). My cousin called my Justin so much she started to forget my real name (seriously).

So along comes Friday and I am getting very excited to go to Ensenada (also my mom flew in to see me off...again)...little did I know it was going to get a lot worse before it got better...